So I’m FINALLY back after a long medical leave and I can tell you it is truly the most humbling experience I’ve ever had.

Ego is amazing…you always think that you are very well rounded and not conceited – but I honestly believe every person has a bit of arrogance in them even if we don’t like to admit it.

This is a bit embarrassing so please understand that I am simply typing out my feelings, my experience and in no way reflects poorly on ANYONE but me. Writing is my therapy.

Some background on my latest position in my career. I started with an absolutely AMAZING company in summer 2023. At that time, it was a ‘scale up’ for the Industry I’ve been in for the last 20 plus years. When I met the ownership team and saw the product – I was blown away. Every single person I met on my 1st interview (5 Aussie’s) were seriously the loveliest folks and made me feel as if I’d known them forever. I had 3 other job offers but none of them made me feel like the AU team. I felt like this position could be my legacy before eventually retiring. I needed ethical management, stability and purpose. They had it all, but PURPOSE was my biggest ‘GET’ if that makes sense.

I needed that PURPOSE to get me through every day. I could’ve taken jobs with those wonderful other companies doing consulting, but I wanted more. I wanted a challenge and frankly I wanted to push myself in these final 10 years of working to make an impact somewhere – go out with a bang.

For the first 2 1/2 years – I did just that. I’m not being egotistical – I helped grow our company in North America. I wore many hats and helped grow our channel, sales and processes. Even after 14-16 hours a day & goal pressures I still felt invincible and that feeling was the biggest high I think I ever had. I would joke all the time that I wasn’t a salesperson, but I could sell the sh!t out of our application!

Then a new hire came in (not the team I’d worked with since the beginning) and changed everything up. I was told that I wasn’t needed in 2 areas in which I really believed I had excelled at. He felt that I wasn’t ideal in those areas and that the company needed “sharks” and I was a ‘Dori’. Now looking back and having MUCH time to reflect, I was gaslighted by this individual. I was told I was a “Swiss army knife” that could fit into any area and that he & I would create new much needed departments while the company continued to grow and evolve. After he instilled a ton of changes and basically told everyone I didn’t BELONG in my original areas, he didn’t work out and in Q4 he was let go. Hmmm, interesting but oh well. But with his departure I was Dori out in the sea floating fin up. I floundered (pun intended); I no longer had my identity as the person to go too – I’d been fully replaced. The 2 departments I had spent helping to build were run by others. It was almost as if I was forgotten, not really needed and I felt irrelevant. To say that hurt is an understatement – I was gutted, really devastated. I was no longer ‘needed’ at leadership meetings, I was no longer part of anything I’d helped build because by then the company had grown so much and had so many new hires and honestly, there didn’t seem to be a place for me. I still had plenty to do – but nothing was mine outside of Onboarding. Luckily, I had carved out that path for onboarding new hires (specific training and loads of personalized welcoming) – which was my lifesaver and I went with that. At the start of this year I joined another department as a team member, but I felt lost and not like I could bring the proper value to the team.

Now again – having had so much time to reflect, I know I sabotaged both myself and my team. I had so much repressed anger and disappointment and was not in touch with my emotions & feelings that I just crumbled into myself. I had to pretend I was happy – so that I wouldn’t upset the apple cart, but every day was chipping more and more into my ego and ripping it apart. I had even been asked to share with the ownership team how happy I was about the changes and of course I did – so that I wouldn’t come across as a complainer. Because any time I said anything that wasn’t rainbows or sunshine, I was met with annoyance. So I became very quiet with the exception of an occasional snarky comment here or there. I mean I am a Gen X Karen.

I also felt like I was working with a team that was smarter than me – as truly every single person is brilliant in what they do. It made me feel small, because I’m not as good as they are and I’m not ashamed to admit that. They are all very technical, whereas my skill set is operations, business process consulting and the front end – working with customers and partners. And here comes arrogance – I’m REALLY good at what I’m REALLY good at it. It’s just not technical. Make no mistake, those of my teammates that could sense my trepidation did everything they could to lift me up and boost my confidence – but I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I kept trying to find another new ‘path’ there – to be a subject matter expert in something, but there was always a new hire that had already taken my place in that area. I kept trying to find something new or sharing an idea, but it never materialized. I seriously was swallowing my pride so much that it was bottling up inside me (oh, was that Larry?) and I’d collapse at the end of the day in a crumbled mess. Once upon meeting a new coworker from another region, they said, “why are you even in that department – you don’t belong there”. It was overwhelming and I was losing my self-confidence day by day.

Then came Larry. I think Larry coming into my life was the jolt I needed to find myself again. Prior to Larry I just kept PRETENDING that everything was ok – but it wasn’t. As I’ve said a million times, I was able to reassess everything about KAREN as a person. A near death experience changes it all. I did a deep dive into my heart, my soul, my identity and what made all that up. SO MUCH of it has been my career. Not having children, I’d pour myself into either being a caregiver for others and my work. My reputation has been fairly impeccable. In my entire career, I am humbled to say that I wouldn’t have many people speak ill of me. I’ll be honest, some might say I was bossy and opinionated – but I’m ok with that. I still have friends from my first ‘real’ job at 17. I have always worked hard and am loyal beyond loyal. I am known for my positivity, passion, ethical behavior and of course my skillset which I have refined for 40 years. And that is because that is what makes me who I am. I don’t pretend to be anything other than myself. I take enormous pride in every role I’ve ever been in.

I MUST say that during Larry, my company has been BEYOND SUPPORTIVE, BEYOND ACCOMODATING and truly BEYOND GENEROUS in everything to assist me in my ordeal. The principles of the company (those first folks) & HR made certain that I knew I’d be taken care of. My gratitude is endless.

So, here’s my assessment of myself when it comes to my current position. I have an ingrained NEED to be NEEDED and to be VALUED. That is NOT ALWAYS GOOD and realistically not very healthy. I had poured every bit of myself in those 2 1/2 years and I felt discarded, which was devastating to my core.

So, now let’s get to that – being replaceable. I’d been essentially out for 8 weeks. In those 8 weeks they managed just fine without me. Onboarding just went back to their department managers – no big deal and my team worked just fine without me. More ego devastation – I really wasn’t NEEDED at all. <insert sigh> GUTTED…

I went back on the 28th of September. My wonderful team welcomed me, was as lovely and kind as ever – but that’s a testament to them as humans. A few others noticed that I was back online in Slack and welcomed me back with sweet notes and love. That meant more to me than anything else. It was the people that I’d impacted there in one way or another across every region.

I think what humbled (and crumbled) me was the people that didn’t even acknowledge that I was back. I’ve been there 3 years and pretty much know 80% of folks and just felt invisible to the vast majority.

I spent the first week trying to catch up on everything. Being on STD, you are not allowed to do ANYTHING. I could not log on, could not do anything work related. While that’s smart for proper healing, being away that long took on a different pain. When you work at a rocket-ship, you have to be fast and I had so much to re-learn and get up to speed on. I also had several new hires that could use some onboarding. So I jumped into that. The 2nd week, aside from the onboarding, I also started working with my team again. They were again, perfect teammates and best humans I could ask for.

Earlier this week I had a fantastic conversation with someone that had started at the company a bit before me – an OG if you will. They shared that at one time – they had also floundered but forged on and found a new path. That helped me so much. That small conversation with someone that understood how I felt and didn’t try to change or dismiss my feelings, but actually just listened & nodded. They didn’t make me feel like I was whinging (complaining) and just accepted my sadness. After words of encouragement and sharing of stories, the thing that hit the most was they said use this as a new start, a ‘do over’ if you will. Perfect time to start fresh and new.

Tuesday, I go back into my 3rd week back (we are off for Indigenous Peoples Day). So way too long of an essay, but YES, I am replaceable. However, I need to FORGE ahead and need to find my identity at my company again. I need to get back to what made me happy – which was my PURPOSE and I need to find my JOY back there. Because for 2 1/2 years I had both and I was happy.

Being replaceable won’t CHANGE who I am. It doesn’t change my drive or what I want to do – it just makes me accept that nothing is permanent – no matter how much you might want it to be. Be humble, do your best and carry on. If it requires a change, and you’re truly not wanted or needed – you HAVE to accept that – no matter how hard it is. I have to accept it.

So I’ll embed myself in the product again – which is what I fell in love with originally and I’ll do whatever my company needs or wants of me. I will continue to give it my all, regardless of title (which honestly – means nothing except for LinkedIn OR when a coworker asks why you’ve been demoted because you were stripped of a title. <OK – that’s my snarky comment for the day>) or placement in the organization. I have to accept that I’m not what I thought or hoped I’d be there. I’m going to still have to swallow my pride when I am feeling slighted and move on from it. Frankly I’d still really like to retire from this company – I’m just not ready yet. I still have WAY too much to give to someone that wants it. 8 weeks off was PLENTY for this chick (well maybe a 1/2 day on Fridays?).

It’s going to take a bit but every day I’ll get better at accepting my fate – whatever it happens to be. And if it turns out that I’m truly not needed, I’ll simply look back on my time there with incredible fondness and gratitude, mourn it like those positions before that and find a new journey for the next 7 years (65 is barreling down right around the corner!).

And every night when I say my prayer of thanks to all the Gods, the Universe and Dr. G, I’ll be grateful for that day and what I was able to give & get – as that is my mantra in life after Larry.