July 28th 2026
So my amazing doctors have said that Larry – my liver tumor needs to be CUT OUT.
I’m a storyteller – so I needed to create a character for this cancerous f’wit taking up space in my liver. I’ve decided that Larry is going to be interesting. Only the Gods know (science a bit) how long Larry has been there. When did he take up residence? Why did he pick me? What does he look like?
Now, I could go to AI to create an image (and I might) but in my head, I already know what he looks like.
He’s a rectangle – approximately 2.4 x 3.5 cm and is near the end of my liver (where it meets the stomach). He’s a very ugly brownish color (not my style – I am all pinks and oranges) and he has beady eyes and no ears. He has ugly, pursed lips and all that he says is ‘feed me’. He wants into my stomach so he can get bigger and bigger. Like that blob guy in The Boys. (I know, I watch too much TV).
Firstly, I am blaming Larry for ALL the bad choices I have made with my diet. I FINALLY have an excuse! Ha ha – I kid, I stand by my TERRIBLE choices because I am a foodie. Why go through life eating diarrhea lettuce when the world gives you things like Carbonara, Char-crusted Ribeye’s, Chimichanga’s, Jane’s Au Gratin Potatoes, McDonalds Cheeseburgers; Wildfire Cottage Fries; Linda’s Pear Walnut Cake; Brenna’s Oatmeal Cookies; Monica’s Butter Cookies; Robbin’s Grape Salad; and literally everything ever made with Cream Cheese; Bacon or Sausage?
It’s because of Larry. He is the “trump vile scrote” of EVERYTHING bad in me. How do I know this? Well, he is CANCER – so therefore needs to be removed. Like a certain you know who.
I have decided that every bad decision, every time I was an arsehole to anyone, I’m blaming it on Larry. That time I punched my sister when I was 10 because she was being stupid, it was F’n Larry. That time I had a party and my front door got busted. Well, it wasn’t because I was young and didn’t think the neighbors would get it a fight. It WAS LARRY!
Honestly, I’m a good person as a whole. I love fiercely (but don’t make me cut you out); I am loyal beyond measure, and I genuinely care about people, whether I know you or not. I am passionate about so many things in life, and I will defend ANYONE that needs defending. I know I’m A LOT for some. I know my moral and ethical code dictates my life, however I feel that’s a strength not a weakness. But let’s be honest – everyone is A LOT to someone else. We all have idiosyncrasies that don’t mesh well with others. I just happen to stand my ground on mine.
So Larry will be evicted. He’ll be CUT out of me on the 6th and hopefully Dr. G will get him ALL out and not even leave 1 cell of cancer in me. I imagine with her skilled hands leading the robotic removal tool (I’m thinking of a good name for that) that Larry might put up a fight. The movie I’ve written in my head goes something like this:
Dr G: Ok Larry – I’m using my really cool robotic medical CNC machine to make the Lady Karen’s liver normal again. Get ready to be booted.
Larry: NO! I’ve *established residency here (90 days at least) so you have to go through the Cook County Sheriff’s offfice to get me out.
Dr. G: Actually Larry I don’t. I’m a SUPER HERO Sheriff Doctor and I call the shots. Get ready to be sawed out by our little Robotic Hands.
Larry: No, wait! I mean she feeds me well, she’s housed me and only when that weird scan found me – now suddenly she wants me out? C’mon. I’ve barely started growing. I have a right to live here. I’ve GOT residency!!
Dr. G: Nope Larry, you are a cancerous tumor, and we’ll prove it with pathology. Your time has come. I’ll be honest, this won’t be pleasant and you will die. You’ve feasted on your last pizza puff from Lady K. No more bacon, no more hot dogs, no more processed foods again. I’VE SAVED HER FROM YOU!
Larry: Well then tell her she’s a bitch and I hate her.
Dr. G: Oh Larry, do you think she cares what you think of her? I barely know her and I don’t think she’s a bitch (hopefully, fingers crossed!). In the most famous words of Inigo Montoya – PREPARE TO DIE!
Larry: WHAT? Princess Bride quotes. You’ve hit a new low Sheriff.
Dr. G: Perhaps I should quote the Soprano’s. You’ve got to go and not just a high colonic. Whacked. Or as in Game of Thrones – I shall be Ned Stark, using Ice (my sword) to pass on the sentence of death. It is my sworn duty by all The Gods, old and new. I serve Lady Karen of House Easy (at least until insurance stops paying) and I will carry on the duty.
Larry: That’s better I guess, can we call it “Needle” instead of “Ice”? Say what you will of that bitch, but at least I liked Arya better when we had our food and GoT marathons. She ate like a king during those. No Lady when she was snacking if you know what I mean. King Robert all the way.
Dr. G: Ok Larry, we shall call my little robotic machine ‘Needle’. Think of me as Arya, in the mask of Dr. G, slitting you like Walder Frey; Littlefinger and the Night King. I shall end your life in Lady K and you shall never be heard from again. I’m going back to Inigo – Prepare to Die. (sorry – it’s just too perfect not to use again).
Larry: Well, FINE! But I am NOT going to be happy about this. Maybe I’ll come back. You know she can’t resist a deep-fried anything.
** Dr. G: That’s where you are wrong Larry. She said her husband and babies, her family, her friends, her job, HER MF’ing LIFE means more to her than a delicious crispy Egg Roll from Yen Yen. She is committed to change. She has learned her lesson. She will no longer be a slave to her tastebuds. She will unlearn things ingrained in her. Like how potatoes and/or corn does not necessarily need be consumed with every meal. She will learn that a pound of butter is actually QUITE a lot and doesn’t belong in every dish she cooks. She will learn that anything submerged in oil (while delicious) is actually not good for her. She will now be known as Lady Karen Elizabeth “Chiara” – an Italian name for clarity. She is REBORN once you vile disgusting trump scrote are removed from her. She’s managed to be on day 6 of an all-liquid diet of f’n Ensure with an occasional raw vegetable. She’s annoyed and bitter, and ALL sorts of messed up things are happening in her stomach, but she’s forging on. She knows what she needs to do and she refuses to let a cancerous piece of Larry Shite take away her joy. She’ll do it. She will FIGHT for her life and change what’s needed so that she can see her littles graduate, get married and maybe even have littles of their own.
Larry: Oh F, I’m dead aren’t I? When you invoke the littles or her dogs – nothing else matters. I’m dead. However, just so you know – I’ll be the devil in her brain reminding her of how good her Reuben Wontons are and…
< insert sound of sawing by “Needle” >
Dr. G: Good riddance Larry. You are no match for the Super Hero Sheriff of Liver Town. (Cue Dr. G with her Wonder Woman Surgical Cap and Scrubs dropping the mike).
* If you know, you know where this comes from
** Obviously I’m taking liberties with Dr. G – I really don’t know her very well, but I HONESTLY think this is good dialog for her.
Today’s episode of crazy things in Karen’s brain is brought to you by Mocha Cafe Ensure w/100g of Caffeine. It makes you think of what a good coffee would be because it’s NOT. Ensure – to detox your liver and make you very grumpy.