July 29, 2026

Earlier today I did something I haven’t done in ages, I sat outside with no devices. I left my phone, my iPad, my fire tablets (reading!) and both my personal & work laptops. I did have my Apple watch on – but that was simply in case of a doctor call or the like. I only did it for about 45 minutes, but it mattered.

This cancer thing REALLY makes you reflect on everything in life. I honestly believe it’s so f’n random. EVERYTHING in life is random.

I’ve been struggling as the surgery date gets closer. Since it was scheduled last week, I’ve been up to the ears in doctor appointments; Preop tests and dealing with this TERRIBLE liquid diet. Honestly, its only bad because it’s messed up my stomach so much. I’m not sure what kind of toxins that were in my body being released, but let’s just say my colon is having a civil war. Should we release? F NO! We need to keep this in here! She’s already not feeding us, Larry says HOLD THE LINE! He’s like Walder Frey and won’t let those toxins pass! I digress (sorry for TMI).

So back to struggling. There are SO many things that go through your mind, for me it’s all the unfinished tasks I have. It’s the guilt about taking time off from the job I love. It’s that incredible fear that they might open me up and find more. And if that happens, or worse yet, I don’t make it out of surgery (it’d be the only time I was ever in the 1% [down with Billionaires!]), what happens to all the things I’ve left behind? That is for sure an essay in draft form.

I’ve never been one to meditate, it’s the whole ADHD thing. I very rarely can just “be still”. I’m always DOING something. I multitask as if the Gods themselves have put 20 quarters in me and I’ll be shocked repeatedly if I stop. And here’s the thing, I do this to myself. No one to blame but me. It’s my brain. It’s what’s been ingrained in me. It’s simply who I am.

But I read something yesterday that jumped out at me. Now I’ve always been a staunch “habit maker”. I create list after list on everything I need to do. I take meticulous notes, save everything (just in case) and my habits are what keeps me working. Plants get watered every Saturday and Wednesday. Dogs have pills and food at 8 am. Water bowls get filled as soon as they are empty – or at 8 and 5. Chore list for around the house is mapped out daily. Grocery list is done every Sunday morning after inventory of Fridge, Freezer and Pantry has been reviewed. Alas, laundry just gets done when the mountain of clothes falls down. I have 2 rooms FILLED with clothes – I could easily go 2 years without doing laundry. Except for undies, I only have about 100 days worth. Oh, another essay describing my hoarding and ADHD overspending habits.

What jumped out was a simple list of things to do to ‘reset’ yourself. The first one was train yourself to put down your ‘devices’. Now anyone that knows me can assure you that I am a TECH GEEK GIRL! I’ve always had every device when they come out. As said above I have an iPhone; iPad Pro; Apple Watch; 2 Amazon Fire tablets (1 big; 1 small) and both a personal laptop as well as my company issued. I rarely leave home without them – with the exception the “desk” fire tablet I listen to music and/or watch shows on in my office. If I don’t take them, I feel naked and anxious and the anxiety that fills me up if they are not charged to 100% is insane. To that end, I always have double cords with me “just in case”, at least 2 battery packs and a extension cord. Listen, I know I’m ridiculous.

So the challenge I gave myself was to start small. I planned on trying for 1 hour – but I made it 45 minutes. Now, that’s a lot for me because I figured I’d only be able to do 15 minutes or less for day 1. I aim realistically.

It’s nice out, and we have a beautiful yard. I also have 4 dogs and a inside kitty that likes to be outside. So that’s what I did. No phone, no TV (we also have a mobile TV that sits on our patio) nothing. I’m always outside with them, but I always have a device of some sort.

Today I didn’t. I watched them sniff everything, I watched Mimi Kitty act as though she could catch a bird (don’t laugh – she’s actually done that – so I stay vigilant!!) and when they all came over and just laid by my feet, I just listened. The birds chirping; neighborhood kids playing in their pool, the distant sound of a firetruck passing by and crickets making that awful end of summer noise they make.

Within 15 minutes of that – I started getting antsy. My brain was firing off my to-do list. Clear bed; empty dishwasher; wash dog bed sheets; sort mail from last week; make list of bills/passwords and info for Tim. And weirdly, I told it to SHUT the F UP! I screamed into my brain – NOT NOW. WOULD YOU JUST F’ing RELAX!! (not super helpful).

But then my brain shifted. It went from the lists to relationship thinking. Who I love, who loves me and what happens if I never see them again. Emotional blackmail.

That is beyond overwhelming. I have a circle of people that are my core group – my Touchstones. They are the ones that show up, that mean more to me than all else. They are the ones that know exactly how much I love them and wouldn’t ever question it. Because I tell them. I SHOW them. They are MY CIRCLE. I will see that circle before the surgery because I NEED to. I need to hug each one of them before my fate is decided – simply because. And those that are further away – we will FaceTime or Zoom, because I simply must see them.

Then my mind goes to those that aren’t necessarily in my life all the time. So many people have reached out to me to offer support and positive energy and love. A former colleague I haven’t seen in over 20 years was one of the first messages I received. My company is Global and folks that I’ve only ever seen on video calls reached out. They’re spread out all across the planet and they reached out – either through work channels or What’s Ap. That made me feel like I could fly. To know that I mattered – in some small way – to anyone is such an uplifting feeling.

All that’s left of my ‘S’ family are 3 siblings. We aren’t very close any longer (oofta, another Draft Essay) but I knew what my parents would’ve wanted was for me to tell them. On Tuesday, after the Liver surgeon Tim asked me – did I want him to reach out to them to give information. I said I need time, because I feel like if they don’t care about me when I’m well, not sure if I need them when I’m sick. But then, Friday @11:41 as Tim and I were leaving the hospital after a visit to the Cardiologist, I reached out. To be fair, it was a text. It was brief, but I told them the facts and gave them a link to this blog for updates. Nothing, no response from any of them. I will be honest, I didn’t expect much, but wow literally nothing? Sad.

So today whilst I was outside – thinking all this stuff through, I gave it up. I said to myself, it’s done, it’s over and you only need to concentrate on the ones that care. For goodness’ sake if a former CUSTOMER of mine that I was simply friendly with during a sales process could take the time out of their busy day to send me a 2 paragraph note telling me how lovely I was, how much I’d helped them and how he and his colleagues were sending me all sorts of vibes across North America – why should I spend even a minute feeling bad that my siblings don’t care about me?

It’s hard, but I know my worth. I know my value and I know the people that truly want me in their lives. Those are the only ones worth my time, my energy and my love. You ALL know who YOU are! I have all kinds of circles, all kinds of family, friends, colleagues that have become friends.

I truly have PLENTY. I invest myself in people and relationships. I love fiercely and when you’re in – you are in.

My quiet time today gave me some peace. Not perfect, but enough to get me through next week. I think of all my family and friends that have passed before me and are my guardian angels surrounding me. It’s going to be them and all my circles that will be pushing me forward next Thursday and hopefully for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow I will try for an hour. Let’s see what I can push out of the open tabs in my brain.